Gutter Medium Rare

Hello, my intended...

I've been a fan of comics for a very long time - since I was two, by all accounts, which would put the total at over thirty years. That's a long time to be interested in ANYTHING, especially when you consider that I didn't make it my career. When I was a lad, we didn't have the internet the way you folks do now... If you wanted to be a cartoonist, you had to bust your stones to put together a decent looking product: writing, drawing, presentation, et al; to amass all these things were out of reach to most folks - since they had to do it themselves and had no 'guide' on how to proceed... Get in the newspapers. Get picked up at Marvel/DC. These were the ultimate goal to most aspiring toonists, myself included.

However, the internet created an interesting paradigm. One could 'self-publish' their work. Sure, they could do it back in the old days, too, but if any of you have attempted to print up your stuff you know that it requires quite a cash investment - and you're not going to make your money back. After all, who would buy your stuff? Nobody knows who you are. But free? Everyone likes free stuff - or will at least give it a chance.

The internet 'levels the field' so to speak. Not quite the best writer? Doesn't matter. Not quite the best artist? Doesn't matter. Tendency to do stuff that nobody could allow into the newspaper or ever be approved by the comics code? Doesn't matter. Go right ahead. The lovely thing about the internet is that it allows 'like-minded' people a method of discovering each other - or to paraphrase Field of Dreams, "If you make it, someone will find it - and like it." Now, folks, this doesn't happen overnight. It can take years before enough people find you that you can consider yourself 'known', and years besides that to become 'respected'. This is normal, regardless of medium, but luckily there's a 'formula' in place that can get you a leg-up on the other guys.

I have decided to reveal that formula to you.

Step One:
First, you need a concept... A concept is the actual 'identity' or 'point' of the strip. This is easier than you think, since the 'About Nothing' thing that was popularized recently on TV. Yes, you can actually have a strip that is character driven alone, and nobody will be the wiser. Seinfeld made millions on that, and it could happen for you, too. Sure, you have a better chance of winning the lottery, but don't dwell on such minutae - it's counter-productive. Therefore, the concept of your strip can be vague - or even non-existant. For the sake of having a concept, let's go with: "I Want To Make A Webcomic, So There". It's common enough, and the actual 'concept' of most of the webcomics 'published' truth be told.

Step Two:
Location. Note that the 'where' of your strip is much more important than the 'why'. It just is. In fact, the location of the strip has fairly smoothly replaced the need for 'concept' when it comes to creating the 'identity' each strip requires. It can be anywhere, too. As simple as a single room in one house or as vast as the entire universe. Totally up to you, though I recommend you stay within your actual 'experience' since if it's something 'familiar' to you, that makes it a lot easier pulling out the next strip. Keeping it 'easy' for you is the secret to maintaining production. We can also learn from Scott Adams' esteemed 'Dilbert' that the less funny people would think something is on the surface - the more funny it can be with the proper characters. Ergo, for the example of the strip herein, we'll use an office where a wrestling website/promotion is based. That's the other secret: use things that are not only familiar to you, but at least passingly familiar to your audience. We all work, and we all know about wrestling. This helps you 'connect' with your audience and keep 'em coming back for more. Using anime/manga things is another useful ploy, which we'll get into shortly... In a nutshell, start out with something 'vague', so as to have a wide 'target' audience, and follow that up with 'details' to bring in more readers.

Step Three:
Characters are the actual focus of the strip, 99.9999% of the time. Your characters should be entertaining, yet horribly flawed in some way to make them MORE entertaining... Commonly, a penchant for sudden outbursts of violence is a can't-miss trait, and can simply never be overused. There are some strips where EVERYONE has some trigger for an entertaining little battery-based tantrum. However, since this is intended as a 'guide' we'll go a little deeper by presenting common 'character classes' which will streamline the creation of your successful web-comic.

1. The Smartass - The main reason to DO a webcomic is to show everyone how deliciously clever you are, so having someone able to fire off acerbic one-liners is a priority. While every character has a chance to get in the occasional dig, the Smartass is a required for most of them - especially against the rest of the characters. This character is generally an avatar/alias for yourself, since you don't really want to make other people look more clever than you, right? Right. On occasion, folks should get the better of the Smartass, in order to create an interesting contrast to get people coming back for more. Why? In the words of Mel Blanc, "Bugs is basically an asshole; but if that was all he was, people wouldn't like him." As you can see, Bugs getting the better of everyone all the time can get pretty dull - so he has to 'lose' once in a while, or at least be in 'danger' of losing to Sam or Daffy or whomever. You'll also note some of the most popular Bugs toons are when HE gets crammed - such as by The Toitle, or when Elmer had the paintbrush that time. But I digress... Oh, and since all webcomics are basically elaborate ripoffs of Berkeley Breathed's Bloom County, the Smartass MUST have a ponytail or wear shades - preferably both.


2. The Schlub - This is the 'normal' person that basically stands there confused while all the antics of the other characters (or the world in general)play out. The Schlub is the 'stable' member of the strip, and as such must suffer the eccentricities of the rest of the cast. Never underestimate the power of the Schlub, however, as many people 'identify' with it and want him/her to do well. The Schlub is the main character in most 'classic' or 'traditional' comics, such as Peanuts and Ziggy - and look at how much money THEY make, right? Not by accident, kids. Schaedenfreude sells. Every once in a while, you should 'tease' the possibility that the Schlub will finally 'make good' in some fashion - such as getting laid or winning against his nemeses. But keep it 'temporary'. The Schlub can save the day once in a while, but the rest of the cast should never know it - or if they do, have the Schlub 'lose his memory' of it, so that he can't actually enjoy being the 'hero' (since the others would never tell the sap he did good, ever). In fact, have the rest of the cast prefer to be and even do better WITHOUT the Schlub than with him, as this prevents him from having any prestige whatsoever.


3. The Chick - Your strip is encouraged to have a 'hottie' of some kind - preferably with an exotic name that no one would EVER give to their baby daughter in real life, such as 'Ambrosia' or 'Onyx' - or even borrow one from Japanese anime. A redhead Irish chick named 'Molly' is tragically 'normal', but that same redhead named 'Satin' is 'exotic'. The Chick should be as 'impossible' as you can make her, so give her 'anti-chick' interests whenever possible - in fact, give her things in common with you that most chicks find reprehensible or geeky. Therefore, having a chick like stuff such as wrestling, videogames, roleplaying games, comic books and porno go a long way to bringing in the tragic guys like yourself. The Chick should also be very patient and stable, but unlike the Schlub the Chick should have a 'breaking point' that brings out a rage of demon fury the likes of which will cause Heaven to tremble. As a rule, the Chick should involve herself with either the Smartass or the Jackass - in order to offer hope to your audience that if 'shitbags like THEM can get someone, so can they'. Why? Because lying is fun.


4. The Jackass - This is generally the character that is the most 'fun' of the group, usually being nuts or drunk or similarly 'party oriented'. Always with some coolcrazy scheme or quickest to engage in rampant violence. The Jackass is encouraged to have all the character traits you find completely abhorrent, such as being irresponsible or callous or similar. Further, the Jackass and the Smartass must be at odds constantly, preferably over something as silly as possible. On occasion, the Jackass and the Smartass should engage in battle of some kind, in order to make your strip more 'edgy' and thus bring the sheep back as often as possible. Moreover, as much as they hate each other, the Jackass and the Smartass are required to set aside their differences to face a common foe.


5. The Moron - The Moron is possessed of a childlike innocence and complete lack of guile - borderline retarded. This is the 'victim' throughout most of the strip, always soaking up damage and abuse from the other characters, yet takes it with a cheerful grin and unshakable positive attitude. This helps you get across the Orwellian concepts quite nicely, which makes your strip appealing to similarly jaded, cynical miserable sticks-in-the-mud as yourself. The moron actually helps move the 'plot' if you choose to have one, as the other characters - while quick to abuse the Moron - are required to 'protect' the Moron from outside threats, including as his/her own stupidity. Otherwise, the Moron is handy to feed straight lines to the other characters for comedy content. You should try to make the Moron somewhat 'cute' so that chicks will dig him. If there's anything you think that only a moron would like, make sure that YOUR moron likes them. Soap Operas, Thundercats, 'Furry', whatever. The Moron is good for stirring controversy, as any time someone in the strip pisses on what the Moron likes - some other Moron will PROMPTLY write you a flaming e-mail about it, and bitch about you on message boards. We call this 'advertising'. It is good. Also, one should have the Moron leak occasional snippets of insight that give the other characters the old 'three steps back in shock' once in a while for added comedy goodness.


6. The Sad Sack - This character is the 'anchor' character. By that, I mean it's purpose is to be miserable and depressing while others are happy, and generally put an end to the whimsy whenever necessary. Believe it or not, this can be funny. The Sad Sack pisses on anyone's parade that gets too close to their border of malaise, so keeping it in small doses is recommended. The Sad Sack is commonly mistaken with the Schlub, but the easiest way to tell them apart is if the character has hope, he's a Schlub. If not, you have a Sad Sack. Important to know is that the Sad Sack MUST have something 'cute' or 'nice' that they do, totally in secret from the other characters. This brings in the 'nobody understands me' crowd.


7. The Homo - This character speaks for itself. It's not a bad thing to have a homo in the strip. Honest. Here's why: Making same-sex characters uncomfortable is a 'hook' you pull out somewhere in the first six months or so. OR, you could have a lesbian decide that she wants The Chick. Try to steer clear of overly stereotypical behavior, though. Making one of the the 'established' characters The Homo is an important surprise one can pull on their audience, but not necessary. Having a Homo in there makes your strip 'edgy', which is needed to maintain a steady readership. Since Homos are people too, and there might even be a few in the audience - you should portray your Homo with as many positive qualities as you can stand. This tricks the Homos that read the strip into thinking you're 'enlightened' regarding the whole 'Gay is Okay' deal, and they'll spread the word about 'your wonderful strip'. Whether you really think so or not is irrelevant - only that THEY think you think so. To even things out, have one of the other characters be a homophobe so you can squeeze some 'edgy' humor out of conflicts that arise when someone has to deal with 'working with a pillowbiter/rugmuncher'.


8. The Bitch - This is another 'catch all' type. The Bitch should be right up there with The Jackass as one of the least 'traditionally likable' characters in your strip. The Bitch gets her jollies from making other people as miserable as possible, which makes her a 'fun' character in an antagonistic manner. The Bitch should feel that all other people are mere playthings meant for her amusement, and she should play rough enough to draw blood. The Bitch's favorite targets are the Smartass, the Jackass, and the Moron (not necessarily in that order). Remember what I said about the Common Enemy for Jackass and Smartass? She's it. Further, she will make The Schlub and the Sad Sack her regular vctims, since they soak it up without possible form of retibution against her. You'd think this sort of vicious, sadistic behavior would mean that nobody likes the Bitch, but of course you'd be wrong. Lots of women enjoy seeing 'a sister evening the score', and that locks them onto you like a laser-satellite.


9. The Monster - This is the character that NOBODY messes with, except maybe the Jackass (who has self-destructive behavior) and the Bitch (who doesn't like being 'second fiddle' in the Fear Department). It's a useful device to have something 'in the arsenal' that the characters can call upon when shit's about to hit the fan. As a rule, much like 'the Hulk', your Monster should be an otherwise normal and well-adjusted person until 'provoked' - at which time they should brutally and without mercy roll heads and burn houses down. The Wrath of the Monster is something no character in their right mind wants anywhere near them, which can be funny in the usual "...And he's standing behind me right now, isn't he?" way.

Do note that wherever I use 'gender specific' terms, that they are reversible. If you're a chick, then the Chick character should of course be a Hottie of the male persuasion, and et cetera. Also note that, much like Dungeons and Dragons, you can have 'multi-class' characters. For instance, a Jackass-Moron, a Smartass-Chick or even a Bitch-Homo helps keep the number of characters you have to draw down, which makes the strip a little easier to do. The possibilities are myriad - enabling you to churn out a cookie cutter cast that's 'totally original', yet exactly like most of the other strips out there.

Also, I recommend giving each of the characters some hobby or other as this gives them 'depth' and allows for mockery by the other characters - and a surge of letters from people that will defend the hobby, which you can paraphrase to continue the 'battle' as long as you like. You have NO idea how many people out there will come STRAIGHT at your NECK for saying 'Harry Potter is a stupid set of books intended for stupid fuckstick people. After all, anyone that has the literary acumen of a dizzy chipmunk wouldn't even use Rowling's hackneyed scribbles for toilet paper.'. As before, the Moron character is best for these, but everyone should have something about them that can whip the crowd into a nice lather kicky-fast. You could even have one of the more 'Normal' characters have something that 'ruins their normalcy', such as an obviously well-adjusted and stable person enjoying an occasional DSA (Deviant Sex Act). This REALLY gets people going, since (if you did it correctly) you've previously 'tricked' them into identifying with the character in question - only to 'ruin' it. In response, have the character defend their behavior as something 'normal' that 'everybody does'. See how easy it is?

Step Four:
Style is more or less the presentation of the strip. If you can't draw, you can always just use screen captures and sprite rips from videogames. If you CAN draw, even a little, then you should make the characters easy enough for you to draw the same way repeatedly. Another good tip is to use 'wild takes' from the two main sources - Tex Avery cartoons, and anime. Examples:

Tex Avery: Huge eye bugging, jaw dropping to the floor, top of head coming off in a gout of steam, pointed teeth, 'deflating' or 'melting' in times of stress, giant mallets and anvils falling from the sky, daggers from the eyes, et cetera.

Anime: 'Plus Sign' angry, 'Dew Drop' embarrassed/uncomfortable, blushing (especially with females), pointed teeth, 'Dot eye' stunned, 'Blue Blush' fear/pain/solemnity/madness, mecha, shuriken from the eyes, et cetera.

Thus, we can tell that we want our audience to feel that they are cool for picking up on such 'subtleties' and whatnot. Making your audience think they are cool is a sure-fire way to get them coming back - because as I've said before: lying is fun. Pay attention.

Another popular method of 'adding style' is to use 'nostalgia'. Most people very much entrenched in the digital age of today were 'Children of the 80s', so throwing in references to that kind of stuff is VERY helpful. Generally speaking, at least two of your characters should STILL engage in some 80s-esque activity (commonly some pen and paper RPG, such as Dungeons and Dragons or Champions), or bitch about how there's nothing 'good' today, like they had with 'He-Man', 'Dynasty' or 'Alf'. Knocking the stuff of today in comparison to the stuff in the 80s is encouraged, ie: "Moby? He's just some half-ass Thomas Dolby wannabe, and couldn't make in into the Pet Shop Boys on the best day of his life. Devo, maybe, but it'd be a stretch." or "Hah! You think a game like Tomb Raider is hard? Defender would eat you alive, kid."

Step Five:
Content is the last step you need to take. Basically, you have to find ways for your assemblage to interact with each other that is entertaining in some manner or other - even if it's only to you. The point of the internet is that there are more people like you out there than you realize, and they will eventually find you. Your humor is up to you, but make sure you throw in as much cursing and sexual innuendo as possible. Cursing is 'edgy'. Sex sells. Both of these will almost certainly piss off some Puritan or similar Crackpot For Jesus, who will go and spread the news about what an awful thing you have shame enough to put online for all to see - and nothing nets traffic better. Nothing. You think Rock & Roll would have lasted if everyone that didn't like it simply said 'It's just bad music' and ignored it? No, clearly not. But you make it so that 'the squares' hate it, and everyone comes running - even the squares. It's a proven formula, kids. Run with it.

Another common ploy is to 'take a stand' on some issue or other - the more heated and diametrically polarized the better. Good examples of 'hot buttons' are Homophobia, Abortion, Religion, Politics, and Computer Games. If we've learned anything from South Park, it's that you can become popular by being as offensive as humanly possible to as many people as you can, so feel free to shit on anything you care to shit on. If they can't take a joke, it's THEIR problem, right? You can jump on a soapbox and complain about 'your art being censored' or how 'everyone takes themselves too seriously - it's just a cartoon' and similar martyrish bleating to put yourself over as a misunderstood genius 'fighting the man'. That's what it's truly about, anyway, isn't it? Putting yourself on a pedestal and basking in the praise of people that agree with you already, right?

If you feel that this is some sort of attack on webcomics in general, it's really not. This is more of a wake-up call to those of you that think these are the new 'voice of the generation', when that's not the case at all. It's a basic formula that's been in place for years, and not something new OR original despite the claims of your Pied Piper of choice. You're all sheep. It's not a bad thing, as long as you enjoy it. Feel free to chip in to support the bandwidth bill of your wonderful teachers to show support for their important message. Mind you, I'm pretty sure that I've already done a rant on people expecting others to pay for THEIR hobbies, so if you're curious you can check it out here.

If you already do a webcomic and you feel I've systematically reduced you to a by-the-numbers hack, you're wrong. That happened WAY before I showed up. Heh.

Someone had to tell ya, and it was ME.

You're welcome. See you SOON.